Natural Response.

Standard

“My parents are divorced.”, G explains.

“Oh really?”, I eagerly respond.

“Yea, how about you? Are you parents divorced?”

“Well yeah…yes they are.”, I instinctly say to Gio, and then quickly shut my mouth.

He notices my sudden silence and then says we can change the subject.

“My mom is actually dead. She died while I was a freshman in high school.”, I tell G.


First dates are difficult.

  • Be myself but do not be too open. 
  • Talk about my past but do not depress people.
  • Avoid talking about family.

What is wrong with my brain?

This is not the first time I have told guys my mom and dad are divorced. This is not the first time I lied about my family and my past.

But it is the first time I corrected myself.

It is the first time I said “Fuck it” and just told him.

Is this what progress looks like? 

Do I Still Get Him A Father’s Day Gift?

Standard

How do you live with the fact your dad chose a whole other family over you?

He told my sister and I a week before his girlfriend of two months and her three kids were moving in.

We watched my mom deteriorate from cancer a few years earlier.

My sister suffered horrible anxiety and depression after my mom died and she was finally beginning to make serious progress.

I begged my dad to wait until April was away at college. I begged him to wait because this was too fast. I begged him to listen to my words and my feelings

He responded with “you are ruining my happiness. This is my house and I will do what I want.”

And that was it. He still moved them in.

My heart began to crack.

But i tried to remain positive.

It was too overwhelming. 

Too fast.

Too heartbreaking.

Too much.
The girlfriend and her kids took over. The pictures of my sister and I began to disappear. 

A few days later my dad and I began this huge argument. He told me to never ask him for anything again. He told me to be very carful with what I say to him and his new family.

I then told him I was leaving and he told me he thought that was best.

So I left.

It’s been three years and we rarely speak.

The girlfriend broke up with him and now he is trying to be back in my life.

However when I left he ignored me for two or three months at a time. Then when he would message me it was to tell me how horrible I was for trying to ruin things.

I don’t know how to see past what happened. It is always in the back of my head that he chose them over me. I want him to be a part of my life but it kills me to know that he did that.

It breaks my heart every day.

Do I still get him a Father’s Day gift?

Habits of My Heart 

Standard

I didn’t mean to seem harsh. 

I didn’t mean to come across as cold hearted. 

Im overwhelmed with feelings.

You’re one of my best friends.

I love you and trust you with every cell in my body. 

But I cannot pretend being just friends is okay anymore. 

We have a long history and you were my first love.

I’m sorry I can’t just turn the feelings off like a switch. 

Honestly, I wish I could.

I fucking WISH I could just say we are just friends and mean it. 

I WISH I could just forget everything but I can’t.

And constantly hanging out, texting everyday all day, and creating so many memories is hard for me.

You’re too easy for me to get attached to and I feel it’s holding me back from making actual connections with people who want to be more than friends with me.

It’s too easy for me to blur the lines between friends and more than friends. 

I’m sorry. 

You’re mad I want to stop hanging out and texting as much but sorry. 

Stop being so fucking selfish. 

Understand my pain. 

My Mom Fought To Stay But My Dad Chose To Leave

Standard

What happens to a person when a family member leaves their life?

My mom died when I was a freshman in high school.

My dad decided to walk away and start a life with a new family a few years later.

Sometimes those sentences seem surreal. Did that really happen? Am I ever going to wake up from this nightmare? 

But what else can I do besides move on. 

These thoughts haunt me daily. 

It makes me wonder what kind of a person I would be if somehow things took a different path. If my mom didn’t die then my dad wouldn’t have been thrown into a spiraling depression. Then maybe he would have decided to stay in my life.  These experiences made me grow and learn about life differently from all of my friends and part of me is grateful for that. 

I usually don’t tell anyone about my mom or dad when getting to know them. In fact, it takes weeks to even feel comfortable sharing the tiniest details about both situations. 

It’s not that I don’t want to share. I just don’t want to be looked at like a wounded puppy. I don’t want to be judged or deemed a girl with “Daddy Issues”. It’s hard to tell someone my story and then afterwards not be considered fucked up. 

Maybe I want people to think I am fine so I can convince myself of that too. 

Or maybe I am just being dramatic. 

My Fuckboy Senses Were Tingling and I Should Have Listened 

Standard

Hello Everyone!

And welcome to this weeks special: “My Fuckboy Senses Were Tingling and I Should Have Listened”!

You ever hear that old saying, “go with your gut”?

Well ladies and gentlemen, my gut is never wrong about fuckboys…..and I mean never. (Not to brag)

My gut was once said to be able to detect a Fuckboy from a mile away.

My gut was once described as the Beyoncé’s of Fuckboy sensors.

This BOMB.com gut has helped me prevent heartbreaks, STD’s and sleepless nights filled with confusion and self doubt.

But recently, I ignored the more than accurate Fuckboy gut tingles and ended up with…..you guessed it folks…..

A pure bread 100% American Fuckboy.

Ughhhhhh blahblhablah amiright?

But seriously, I saw it coming and I ignored it. Why is that? Did this boy really charm me that much that I disregarded the gut I always follow?

Am I lowering my standards because I crave love?

What is going on?

Part of me wants to thank this Fuckboy because he made me realize I need to trust myself.

But the other part of me just wants to scream out of frustration just because life.
I should really find a therapist but I’ll do that Monday.


Lost As Fuck 

Standard

As I lay on my bed with my best friend, a Golden Retriever named Wendell who takes Xanax for anxiety, I cannot help but think why am I here?
Ugh I know….I know……not another depressing blog post but honestly… Why AM I here?

I look at my friends and they all are on a perfect path to success and appear to have everything figured out.

Everyone on social media seems to be overflowing with happiness and confidence.

But here I am laying on my bed with my best friend Wendell feeling lost as fuck.

Who do these people think they are showing off their perfect lives’ all the time?

I don’t know.

Maybe I just need to smoke a joint and backpack through the Himalayan Moutains and find myself.

But hey, if finding myself fails at least I’ll be able to post pictures of the Moutains on social media.

College: The Mandatory Field Trip to the Button Museum

Standard

On Monday, March 14, 2016, I sat in my car listening to the rain and came to two conclusions:

1) Natasha Bedingfield’s song, Unwritten, is the answer to all life’s problems and

2) I fucking hate college.

Okay…yeah… you’re right, “hate” IS a strong word but I deffinetly do not like it.

College is like the mandatory field trip to the Button Museum that you are forced to go to every year in elementary school. Like college, the Button Museum is mandatory and always seems fun and exiting but once at the museum, you realize it is just not the right place for you.

As a kid, you look at your future as this great opportunity and endless adventure. What do you want to be when you grow up? You reply, “An astronaut!”, “A ballerina!”, “A movie star!”, the world is your oyster. You could do anything you want! You could be a triple threat and be an astronaut during the morning, a ballerina during the day, and a movie star at night! The possibilities are endless.

But somewhere along the way, you are forced to narrow your dreams and follow a routine path the majority of seniors in High School follow.

I call this path, “The College Experience”.

You start looking at colleges around Junior year of High School and begin to apply for them in the beginning of your Senior year. You have to start asking yourself questions like, “What is going to be your major?” and “How are you going to pay for school?”, however, you never ask yourself, “Do you really want to go to college?”.

It is drilled into your head from the start of elementary school that you need to go to college in order to have a great life. If you do not go to college, you are told you will be either stuck working for a fast food restaurant or jobless. However, is that really true?

When I think of the phrase “College Dropout” a few words pop into my mind.

Words such as:

  • Loser
  • Unmotivated
  • Dumb
  •  Failure

Why is this the case? Why can’t a person not attend or finish college and still be considered successful?

Why are words such as:

  • Creative
  • Brave
  • Intelligent
  • Unique

never associated with people who either don’t attend college or dropout?

You either have to be rich or famous for the lack of a college degree to be considered acceptable.

However, on Monday, March 14, 2016, I officially decided to Dropout of College.